The Diaries of a Fat Chick

I feel like I should write something.  Mostly because it’s been over a month and 1 of my 6 readers happened to make a passing comment about it when I saw her the other day.

In the last month or so there’s been a few times where I thought of some brilliant ideas to blog about or something happened that felt worthy of blogging about and then I just never…blogged about it.  It’s partially a lack of time and partially just not feeling the writing love. 

Writing is hard y’all.  Seriously.  And I feel like if it is this difficult then maybe it’s something I shouldn’t be doing.  But!  When I want to write and I have a story to tell there’s nothing better.

So yeah…there’s that.

Ben and I are still working on simplifying our lives.  I’ll be honest with you - it’s not going that well.  It’s way more difficult than I anticipated and frankly, the process of trying to begin living a simple life is tiring and stressful.  Is it this way for everyone trying to simplify?  I’ve been reading a bunch of blogs about people living the simple, minimalist life and when I read about someone blithely tossing away 90% of their dinnerware because they don’t use it on a day to day basis, the first thing that pops into my head is not, “Ooh, good for them!” it’s, “What do they do when they have company over?” Because while I would love to have only four plates and four cups and four bowls yada, yada…it would mean never having more than two people to visit at once again.  And while we’re not people who host dinner parties on a regular basis we’re also not hermits.

That’s a broad example I know and those types of stuff I don’t really struggle with; I know we occasionally have people over therefore our set of 8 dinnerware is necessary.  I do struggle with my craft items though.  I fancy myself to be creative (whether I am or not is really up for individual assessment) and so I hesitate to give away anything I might need.  Especially when it comes to miniatures; so many “trash” items can be used in miniatures that true minaturists rarely throw anything craft related away.   Which, as you can well imagine, leaves very full craft rooms.  

So, my compulsive need to hoard away craft items plus my before-mentioned laziness has resulted in very little done for simplifying the house.  We’ve done some stuff, I’ve gone through my clothes, we’ve gone through books and dvd’s (although our two bookshelves are still overflowing), and I’ve attempted to sell some items online (I say attempted because apparently my stuff is worthless to not just me, but everyone else).  There is progress being made but there’s so much more to do  - my craft room still really needs to be sorted.  Random paper and bills need to be filed or shredded, Ben’s vast record collection to sort through, Ben’s office to organize and clean.  Massive amounts really and my laziness, lack of willpower and downright refusal to let go of some stuff is hampering the efforts.

What I really need is the mumsi entity to come and visit.  That woman can clean and organize like there’s no tomorrow.  Alas, I am 35 years old and really should not be relying on my mommy to help organize my house.

However, there is hope - in an effort to simplify I’m going to box up some items in my craft room and other areas of the house and store them in the shed for six months.  If, at no point during those six months do I need something from the box I will send it to the thrift store.  They recommend doing this if you’re having a hard time letting go of stuff and while I initially scoffed at the idea

Kelly two months ago:  pfft, it’s just stuff, either you want it or you don’t!

Future Kelly:  Cork it you arrogant twit.  Simplifying is much more difficult than you think.

I’ve decided to try it.  It certainly can’t hurt and, in the long run, will be beneficial to my sanity. 

I took a week off this month and spent most of it just hanging out with Ben.  We kept the house tidy but certainly didn’t do any of the major stuff (i.e. clean Ben’s office, my craft room and do the massive amount of weeding in the yard) and you know what?  I was “okay” with it.  I had a few moments of guilt over my laziness but for the most part I truly enjoyed just relaxing and spending time with Ben.

We celebrated our sixth anniversary on the 17th and to commemorate this milestone we got tattoo’s (yeah, I know it doesn’t fit in with the buy only what you need shit I was spouting earlier does it?  Another area with mass struggling but I’m filling this post with enough shame, I’ll write about the finances another time) and they are AWESOME.  In fact, I think we shoul do tattoo’s for every anniversary.

This year we both, based on our mutual love for the cartoon, got Calvin and Hobbes tattoo’s.  Mine is on my leg right above my knee cap and Ben’s is on his rib cage.  Ask him how thrilled he was when I kept getting right in his face during his rib cage tattooing and asking him if it hurt, how much did it hurt and assuring him that no one would think of him as weak if he needed to cry (there was no crying).  I have pictures and will post them and share the story of our mutual tattooing in a later post when the healing is over and I have more pictures.   Hilariously enough, I didn’t consider the fact that shaving my leg where the tattoo is would be impossible and now Calvin is sporting some serious whiskers and Hobbes is looking very fuzzy indeed.  I’ll definitely try to capture that on film.

We recently hooked up with Skype and consequently I have spent a great deal of time Skyping my mother and my curly headed best friend Jess.  The first time mumsi and I skyped it was a total “Cloverfield” experience as she unplugged the laptop and carried it from room to room so I could “see” her house.  Now, however, I spend most of it just chatting with her and unleashing my inner child by pretending to pick my nose several times through out our video chat.  Yup, 35 and still trying to gross my mom out.   Pretend nose picking - it never gets old folks.  Ever.

Had my annual doctor’s visit today and spent a great deal of the visit discussing my life-altering stomach and foot issues.    Long story short - I got a prescription for “Super Immodium” (as well as some really helpful advice from the pharmacist on excellent probiotics and natural remedies to try) and a referral to an orthopedics place for a walking test and foot splints to wear at night.  The splints will help keep the tendon in my foot stretched out all night and promote healing, as well as stop me from tearing the tendon when I take my first few steps in the morning and re-injuring it.  

Obviously the combination of my mouth guard to stop me from grinding my teeth and now the foot splints will further increase my sex appeal in the bedroom and I’ll be fending Ben off nightly with nothing but my wits and his back scratcher. 

And on that note - Kelly K out!

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 Here’s what I had planned for the weekend:

• Sort through my clothes, putting the winter ones away and getting rid of clothes that don’t fit
• Laundry
• Clean the bedroom
• Clean the bathroom
• Hang some pictures
• Begin the sorting and cleaning of the spare room
• Take some pictures of some items to sell in our local online newspaper
• Yard work (tons and tons of yard work!)

What I actually did this weekend:

Friday afternoon:

• Finished work at 1pm, ran a couple of errands and drove home
• Spent two hours playing the Wii with Ben (And yes, I kicked his ass at bowling but to be fair he kicked mine at tennis)
• Took the dogs to the dog park for two hours
• Watched tv with Ben for a couple of hours
• Went to bed

Saturday:

• Slept in until 10
• Cooked some eggs and toast for Ben and I
• Called my dad
• Booked my dad’s plane ticket for Christmas
• Went to the school with Ben to feed his fish
• Picked up a few groceries
• Sat outside on the deck with Ben and the dogs for three hours
• Sat on the couch beside Ben and surfed the internet for two hours
• Met Kim for coffee at Starbucks for an hour
• Went back to our house with Kim and ate watermelon and chatted for another couple of hours
• Watched tv with Ben until 1 in the morning, went to bed

Sunday:

• Slept in until 10:30
• Played with the dogs
• Worked on miniatures
• Called my mom
• Wrote a blog post
• Surfed the internet
• Watched 6 hours of Criminal Minds repeats on A&E with Ben
• Went to an amateur comedy show at the Packinghouse Pub for three hours
• Went to bed around 12:30

You’ll note that I did not do ANYTHING I was supposed to.  In fact I did zero work, which to the average person, probably sounds lovely.  And at the time it WAS (mostly) lovely.  Ben and I had a very nice relaxing weekend together.  Unfortunately, much like buyer’s remorse, lazy remorse set in about 7pm on Sunday night and I couldn’t stop thinking about all the shit I should have done and didn’t.

Here’s the thing - I’m one of those people who constantly feels the need to be doing SOMETHING.  Anything.  And when I’m not, there’s this sense of unease that permeates my brain until I stop relaxing and enjoying myself and get some work done DAMMIT.   Because despite Ben’s vigorous and highly animated objections on the subject, I cannot stop believing that I am lazy.  I work a job and a half, I have about a dozen animals that I care for on a daily basis, I’m responsible for the yard work and other than the summer when Ben is off work and takes care of it, I’m in charge of the housework with the exception of cooking.  But I am lazy.  And trust me people, if you were to come to my house right now knowing that I’m in charge of yard work and house work and see how messy and disorganized our spare room is, how disgustingly dirty our bathroom is and watch as Dexter walks into the back part of the yard and completely disappears because the grass is up to my knees (Ben lovingly refers to it as the north 40) you would think I was lazy too.

I wasn’t always like this (well, I’ve always been lazy - ask my mum she’ll confirm it).  At least I don’t think I was; I seem to remember a time when I could ignore my mental to-do list and just relax but at some point in the last six to seven years I changed.  Now, all I can think about is all the stuff that I should be getting done and how lazy I am for not doing it.  Ben says I need to learn to relax, that there will always be something that NEEDS to be done and it’s impossible to be working at your to-do list all the time.   I should take some time (heck, an entire weekend) and just relax and enjoy myself. 

I respectfully disagree.  There are certain things that I want to accomplish around the house and yard and I am positive that once I achieve those I will be able to relax and enjoy myself (even if the counter is a little messy or the kitty litter needs to be cleaned).    I’m of the opinion that I should just get my entire to-do list done as soon as possible so that I can then relax without that nagging feeling of “I should be doing this…” while I’m trying to do something fun.  Because I think that’s the part I can’t get Ben to understand - that even though I DID have a great time this weekend I still felt guilty and lazy the entire time for wasting a weekend and not doing anything on my to-do list.  I may not have articulated that guilt until Sunday night but it was there the entire weekend.  And honestly, the only way I can think to get rid of it is to get the house and yard exactly the way I want it to be before I take the time to just relax. 

The only problem with that of course is that I am LAZY and so I’ll make grand plans and timelines to get things done and then come home from work and collapse on the couch with the dog for the evening.   The nagging guilt of not doing anything is merrily eating away at my brain but it would seem that my laziness is stronger.

Laziness.  It’s my superpower.

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See this cat?

Looks like just another orange cat right?  I know it looks that way but this cat is the most bad ass cat you’ll ever meet in your life.  Don’t believe me?  Little dude was brought into our clinic because he was hit in the head WITH A CAR. 

The person driving the car that smacked him in the head didn’t bother stopping but when the kind lady who saw the accident, stopped and took the time to bring him to our clinic he was in rough shape.  His jaw was broken, his teeth shattered and his tongue shredded.  He had massive internal bleeding and was bleeding from both ends.  The three vets stabilized him and considered the situation - do they try and save him or quietly end his life.  In the end, Dr. Mike chose to try and save his life.  Late Friday evening they did a two hour surgery where they removed his shattered teeth, lasered off half of his tongue and wired his jaw back together.

Saturday morning Dr. Kathy and I arrived at the clinic, me not knowing anything about the cat and Dr. Kathy expecting to find a dead cat.  Instead she found a very alive and very hungry cat.   One who was so perky and alert that I had to scruff and pin him, terrified I was going to injure him, while he squirmed and twisted beneath me as Dr. Kathy tried to take his temperature.  That was over a week ago and each day he’s getting better and better.  Despite his wired jaw and half a tongue he slurps down his food eagerly and he’s friendly and loving to each person who opens his kennel to pet him. 

No one has come forward to claim him and I imagine we’ll be looking for a new home for him soon.  So if anyone wants the baddest motherfucking cat in the universe, let me know… I’ll introduce you to him.

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Do you ever wonder why life can go along so swimmingly for quite a while and then BAM - just like that there’s a week that totally kicks you in the ass and then stands over you and laughs while you writhe in pain?

About halfway through last week I dropped to my knees and pleaded for mercy - the week just laughed uproariously and continued to fuck with me. 

It chuckled as it watched me struggle to finish lawn work in the smoking heat with it’s evil friend the weed wacker.  Why am I the only girl in the known universe who can’t work a fucking weed eater?  I’m smart, I’m mechanically inclined - I fix the damn photocopier at the office all the time for heaven’s sake.  Yet I am thwarted by a weed wacker.  It never works properly for me and eventually I’m going to cut off a finger trying to cut the damn lawn.

Every year around this time, when the heat levels rise to an ungodly temperature of 35 degrees celsius and stays there for a few weeks, I question my sanity for living in this city.  I’m not a beach person, I’m not a heat person, I don’t like to sit outside enjoying the “weather” and for living in one of the hottest places in Canada I’m the whitest chick I know.   I spent most of Sunday lying on the couch with a skull thumper of a heat headache and moaning loudly about the injustice of life.  Ben mostly ignored me which is what he normally does and it’s probably a good thing because I can guarantee the whining would only grow louder if it was given any type of attention.

Last night when I wandered into the house after a dismal weigh in at WW (only gained 4lbs…huh, could it be the barely eating anything all week and then when I actually did eat something it was ice cream!?!?), surveyed my messy kitchen and wondered exactly what the mystery smell was wafting from the far room I took comfort in knowing that it couldn’t get much worse.

Wrong again douchebag!  Not only did we have a dog recovering from surgery (more on that later…), as I began to clean cages I discovered a rabbit that wouldn’t eat and a rat bleeding profusely from his foot and a suspicious looking growth on his eye.

Two doses of Ovol and some running around in the kitchen and bunny was pretty much back to normal by evening’s end.  One thorough examination of rat, styptic powder applied to torn hind nail and one slightly frantic call to the home of the very kind and wise Dr. Katie and it wasn’t looking so good for Edgar the Rat.  I dosed him for the evening with some pain relief that I had at home and Ben dropped him off at the clinic for Dr. Kate to examine.

A little background about my Eddie boy - he’s the last of my ratties and well over two years old (ancient in rat years my friends) and was recently diagnosed with lung issues and a mass in his abdomen.  And did I mention the tumour growing in his armpit that we couldn’t remove because he wouldn’t survive the surgery?

Add in this mystery growth on his eye, his hair is falling out in tufts, the mass in his abdomen has grown tremendously and he’s really nothing more than skin and bones and you’ve got a rather obvious decision to make. 

It’s hard because with the ratties in the past I’ve always based whether it was time to say goodbye on their desire for food.  Last night Edgar ate a terrific amount of noodles and this morning spent some time licking and grooming my fingers.  While not in active pain he’s certainly very uncomfortable and rather then wait until he’s so painful he stops eating we’ve made the decision to say goodbye.

After work I’m dropping Ben off at the airport and then hustling back to the clinic where Edgar and Dr. Kate will be waiting for me.  I’ll hold Eddie and kiss his fur while he licks my fingers before he goes to sleep one last time.

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It was a special day here at the casa de Kelly on June 30th.  Yup, Dexter turned one. 

I had originally planned a big birthday party with hats and decorations and balloons and wrapped presents and a bone shaped cake with “Happy Birthday Dexter!” on it.  Then I gave my head a shake and realized that it was not living the frugal lifestyle to plan a party for a dog who would be happy with a belly rub and a cookie.

However, I did have to make it special somehow (it’s not every day the Mutant Chihuahua turns 1!) so I stopped at Bone Appetite after work and picked him up some birthday presents and birthday cookies:

The traveling water bottle is for when we’re at the dog park and the blue football is for throwing in the house.  Dexter loves to play fetch and the toy is soft and rubbery.  Although not expressly spoken, but certainly implied, Ben was getting tired of rubbing all the marks off the wall from when I hurled one of his other harder toys down the hallway.  I get points for distance but my aim is dismal.

The rubbery, bally, frisbee thing is also for the dog park.  Quite a few dogs at the dog park have this toy and Dexter loves it.  In fact it’s probably his number one toy to steal at the dog park.  So, I purchased one for his birthday and that very night took him to the dog park with it.  And what did my little cretin do?  Mostly ignored his new, beloved toy in favour of stealing another dog’s ratty, gross, disgustingly wet tennis ball.  I learned something that night - it’s not about the toy, it’s about the stealing.

You’ll also note the “two of each cookie” pile we have going on.  While not her birthday, Hannah certainly benefited from it being Dexter’s.  See the cookies in the middle?  They’re cheese cookies shaped like dogs.  The fact that there are cookies for dogs in the shape of dogs tickled my sick, black funny bone and I had to purchase them.   I avoided the cat shaped cookies though.  Although I have no doubt that both Ebony and Kaneyko would walk away victorious in a rumble with Hannah or Dexter I’m not so sure about my poor arthritic Smokey.  No point in giving the dogs the idea that they’re allowed to chew on cats now is there?  But chew on other dogs?  Hell yeah baby.

A picture of my baby all grown up:

He looks scarily like a weiner dog in this picture doesn’t he?  I assure you that while he is longer than the average chihuahua, this is merely a funky camera angle.

Although Ben and I have come to the conclusion that our wee Dexter, our shining star, is not all he professed to be.  Sure, he might have the ears and attitude of a Chihuahua but we’re pretty sure that a MinPin took a swim at some point in Dexter’s genetic family pool. 

Doubt me?  Listen up people, sexy Dexy was supposed to be no more than 6lbs at the most.  The little monster weighs in at a hefty 16lbs.  Okay, yeah - three pounds of that is fat and his ideal weight should be 13lbs but there’s still a helluva difference between 6lbs and 13lbs. 

Whatever, he’s still a pretty good dog and even if he does have this completely weird habit of sticking his head down my shirt to lick between my boobs, we think he’s a-okay.

More pictures of the birthday boy?  Why certainly!

Waiting so patiently for his birthday cookies.

Mmm…dog shaped birthday cookies!

And lastly, an incredibly boring video of Dexter eating a birthday cookie while I ask him over and over again if it’s a good cookie - apparently believing he will, at some point, put down his cookie and answer me.  I said I thought he would speak with a jaunty British accent, then Ben said I was wrong and he would have a Mexican accent, then I told Ben that was racial profiling, then he smacked me on the ass and told me to get him a beer, then I fell on the couch and laughed hysterically for about 10 minutes because whenever Ben tries to act all neanderthal-ish it gives me the giggles.  By the time I finished laughing he was sitting beside me on the couch sipping thoughtfully on the beer he went and got himself.

A-hem.  Dexter the Beloved on this, the day of his birth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iI8H9AaVwWE

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I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I made the decision to go back to Weight  Watchers last Monday.  Ben and I had been doing the weight loss thing on our own for the last few months but not a whole lot was happening on the weight loss front.  Plus, I kind of missed being judged when I weighed in (I kid!  I kid!) and I definitely missed the meetings.   The last time I signed up for WW there was a new leader named Pat who I really enjoyed and luckily it’s still her leading the meetings on Monday nights. 

Last night Ben and I had a family dinner with his half-sister who he hadn’t seen in about 20 years so I didn’t have time to stay for the meeting.  I quickly ran in to get weighed feeling, I don’t mind saying, a little apprehensive about it.  Ben and I had a Blizzard treat at Dairy Queen earlier in the week and I hadn’t drank much water over the weekend.  I took off my shoes, prayed to the god of weight loss and held my breath. 

Surprisingly (shockingly?) I lost a whopping 7.4lbs.  Yay me!  I got my first 5lb star, did my happy dance and then took off for home in order to pick up Ben for the family dinner.

The family dinner was very nice, I had never met his sister or her husband and they were both very lovely people.  As were the various other people we met at the house (other siblings, grandchildren etc.).  His sister put on a delicious dinner; unfortunately in my new quest to be a vegetarian I hadn’t really thought or prepared myself for what I would do when going to someone else’s house for dinner.  Therefore I found myself taking a very small piece of chicken in order to be polite.  But I mean seriously small, like it would fit in the palm of a baby’s hand small.  Still, it was meat (and sadly, delicious meat!) so I can’t say that I will have gone an entire month without eating meat but hey, 29 days out of 30 ain’t bad.

In other news, Dexter the Mutant Chihuahua has been blessing us with a case of doggy diarrhea.  On Friday I worked at the vet and we had at least 4 dogs in with vomiting and diarrhea.  Sunday morning I woke up to discover a rather disgusting mess in Dexter’s crate waiting for me.  Not sure if I brought something home to the poor mutt or if he’s just like half of the other dogs in the city right now with a bad case of the puppy poops but the last couple of days have been….unpleasant.  We denied him food for a day and are just starting to give him some gastro food, small feedings frequently throughout the day.  If it hasn’t improved by tomorrow then we (Ben) will scrape up a poop sample and take it to the vet clinic for analysis.  It pays to work at the vet; not only do you get a discount on procedures but if you’re smart enough you pick up tips and tricks to try before even having to bring your dog in for an exam.  If it’s just mild gastrointestinal upset (which I suspect it is based on his behaviour and general upbeat attitude towards life) then this will do the trick and he’ll be back to his normal pooping self in no time.

I know how riveting the texture and density of my mutant chihuahua’s poop is to all of you and as such will be keeping you informed as to his current poop status.

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When Ben and I are doing the right thing and eating healthy we find ourselves basically following the Canadian Food Guide.  Eating a little bit of all the healthy, whole natural foods and remembering that moderation is the key.  Which, interestingly enough, is really what Weight Watchers is all about, only they don’t say that, they just pimp out eating lots of veggies and fruits and assign points to everything to help us poor fat food addicts learn moderation skills.

We’ve never done the Southwest Beach Diet, the cabbage diet, or that high protein, low carb one that was all the craze a few years ago…what was it called?  A-ha - the fine folks at google have informed me that it’s called the Atkinson diet. 

Four nights ago I was looking for some simple vegetarian meals.  While not vegetarian’s we always attempt to have a few “meatless” dinners a week not only to help with the budget (hello simple living!) but also because we know it’s not necessary to eat meat with every meal. 

I stumbled upon a website where I got way more than the vegetarian recipes I was expecting.  It’s my own fault really - I’m blaming it on the long hours I’ve been working lately and a 3lbs overweight distraction named Dexter who was chewing merrily on my shoe while I surfed the internet.

Where was I?  Right…vegetarian meals.  So there I was looking for a vegetarian recipe when I see a link that says “Top 10 reasons you shouldn’t eat pork” and without really thinking about it I clicked the link.  I remember thinking at the time that it probably talked about the high fat content of it and/or it was too salty blah, blah, blah.  In hindsight I should have known better but like I said, I was tired and distracted.  I found myself reading 10 horrifying facts about what they do to pigs at the slaughterhouse and just how smart and friendly pigs are. Directly under that they had 10 reasons why you shouldn’t eat beef and 10 reasons why you shouldn’t eat chicken.  Each list was more horrible than the one before it. 

And just like that I couldn’t eat meat anymore.  I knew bad things happened to the pig, cow, chicken I was eating but knowing how I react, I purposely stayed away from websites and video’s that described it so that I could continue to be blissfully carnivorous.

It’s been four days and I’ve been strictly herbivore (although I am still consuming free range eggs and cheese) without any interest in eating meat.  However, if losing 100lbs and then promptly gaining 70 of it back has taught me anything it’s that my ability to stick to something isn’t exactly my strongest asset.

By this time next week I could have blocked the horrific words from my head and be chowing down all carnivorously but I’ve decided in the interest of a little experiment that even if the moral outrage fades I’m going to stick to the vegetarian lifestyle for 30 days.  I’m curious to see if I lose more weight on a weekly basis when I’m not eating meat and also if not eating any meat at all helps my wretched and life altering stomach issues.  Because if it does?  I’ll swear off meat forever, hand to God people.  FOREVER.

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That’s a lie…I actually can feel my toes and, more importantly, my heels.  Fuck, how I can feel my stupid fucking heels.

I have foot pain.  More accurately put I have “plantar fasciitis”.  What is plantar fasciitis Kelly you ask.  And before you get all grossed out, no, it has nothing to do with warts.  Let’s refer to our friend Wikipedia for the textbook definition shall we?

Wikipedia defines plantar fasciitis as:

Plantar fasciitis is a painful inflammatory process of the plantar fascia. Longstanding cases of plantar fasciitis often demonstrate more degenerative changes than inflammatory changes, in which case they are termed plantar fasciosis.^[1] The plantar fascia is a thick fibrous band of connective tissue originating on the bottom surface of the calcaneus (heel bone) and extending along the sole of the foot towards the five toes. It has been reported that plantar fasciitis occurs in two million Americans a year and 10% of the population over a lifetime.^[2] It is commonly associated with long periods of work-related weight bearing. Among non-athletic populations, it is associated with a high body mass index.^[3] The pain is usually felt on the underside of the heel and is often most intense with the first steps of the day. Another symptom is that the sufferer has difficulty bending the foot so that the toes are brought toward the shin (decreased dorsiflexion of the ankle). A symptom commonly recognized among sufferers of plantar fasciitis is increased probability of knee pains, especially among runners. 

Now obviously I fall less under the athlete category and more under the high body mass category.  I’ve suffered from this for years and it’s probably the only weight related injury that my body suffers from.  Yeah, I know how lucky I am when you see all the obese people wandering around with a zillion medical problems but holy shit folks, Wikipedia can talk about how the pain is most intense it the morning but intense doesn’t even begin to describe it. 

How about, crippling, screaming, makes you want to beg for death intense pain when you take your first few steps in the morning…in fact, there’s been a few mornings where I’ve had to crawl to the bathroom because the foot pain is so intense.  (Yeah, not my proudest moment but holy mother of jeebus I had to pee).

And when it’s REALLY bad, like it is right now, it’s not just in the morning, it’s anytime that I sit for more than half an hour.  The first few steps are so painful that I look like a fool hobbling along with my face pulled down in a grimace of pain and trying not to cry.  And this is from a girl who actually handles pain fairly well.  Also, if I am not wearing shoes at all times, the pain is even more intense so you can imagine how stupid I look when I’m visiting people’s houses and I have to walk in my sock or bare feet after sitting for a bit.  It’s embarrassing.  Not to mention the random shooting pain through the bottom of my feet and sides of my heels when I’m sitting.  Or the way my feet throb and burn so badly when I lie down in bed at night that it keeps me awake, especially if I’ve done something silly like walk the dogs around the trailer park.

Still, I’ve put up with it for the last few years that it’s been so bad partly because I’m embarrassed that I have foot pain from being fat, partly because I have a high pain tolerance and partly because I think “meh, it’s not that bad, lots of people have worse things to live through”.

Two nights ago I was watching tv and as I was flipping through the channels I caught part of a program about a guy who was learning to walk with two prosthetic feet.  I watched for a few moments and was really impressed with his determination and his perseverance and wondered if I would be able to do something like that. 

I reflected on how difficult it would be to learn to walk again with two prosthetics and then as I was flipping to the next channel a random thought flickered through my head like a small bouncy cloud - “At least your feet wouldn’t hurt anymore.“  The thought didn’t bother me so much but the accompanying relief with that thought?  Kinda freaked me out a little.  Cause seriously people, how bad is the pain when the thought of having to learn to walk with prosthetic feet actually causes a small amount of relief?? 

That’s when I realized I should probably see a doctor about the foot pain.   I called and booked an appointment but unfortunately Dr. C. is away until July.  I’ve booked it for July 7th with the hopes that he’ll have some ideas for me.   In the meantime I’m off to google some possible pain relief methods that don’t involve cutting off my feet.

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You know the old saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is?”  I had a lesson in how true that is this past week. 

So, y’all know how much I wanted a little dog and I begged and pleaded my dearest to get me a 5lb chihuahua and I would hug him and squeeze him and call him George (the chihuahua, not the dearest)?  And thankfully my beloved gave in to my pleading and purchased an adorable, tiny little chihuahua for our 5 year anniversary.  Remember?

And then the tiny little chihuahua who would grow to be 5lbs max, just kept growing and growing?  And how, now, at 11 months old the damn bastard is a mutant chihuahua at 14 and a half pounds and still growing?

Remember?

Well, in one of our local papers there was an advertisement for some tiny little chihuahua’s, ones that would get no bigger than 5lbs…and they were sweet!  And only $350…which frankly, is a steal of a deal.  I emailed my precious one about it, he told me to go ahead and get two, they were small (although I believe he may have been playing the facetious game).  So, throwing frugality and the simple life to the wind, I sent off an email basically asking for more information and pictures of the puppies.  5 minutes later I received this:

—– Original Message —–
From: Levi Nancy <levinancy26@yahoo.com>
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 1:09 pm
Subject: Chihuahua puppies
To: Kelly
>
> Hello,
>         
> Thanks for the e-mail..My Chihuahua Puppies are still available.They
> Male Puppy is Called Jerry and the Female Puppies are Called
> Rosa and
> Jeni.Below are Some pictures of the puppies ..They are health
> registered and current on all shots and vaccines,well trained,
> Registered,House broken,potty trained and love the companion of
> grown ups,kids and house hold pets.Well,They are  Spectacular pure
>  breed CKC registered with all shots,vaccines
> and vet records updated.i am looking for
> reasonable,knowledgeable and
> cautious person who can offer them tenderness,nursery with
> lots of love kisses and hugs.CKC REG.Excellent pedigrees, Champion
> lines. Health certificate,1 yr. guarantee, & UTD on shots &
> worming.Theyare  very loving pet especially with kids.They are
> up for adoption to
> any homes promising to take good care of them.They Male(Jerry)
> is 12 Weeks old and the Females(Rosa and Jeni) are 11weeks old.I am
> looking for any lovely home that can take them and give them enough
> care and attention which they need,i will really love that you promise
> me that you are going to take good care of them for me,so in
> guiding me look for a lovely home for Jerry, Jevi and Rosa,i
> will like to know the following from you:
> Do you have kids?
> If so,are they good with pets?
> If Not then Do you have
>  some one that will always play with them?
> Will you take both of them?
> Have you ever raised (Owned) a puppy before?
> Do you Own Other Pets?
> How is your Working Schedule?
> Are you getting them For your Self or for Some one Else?
> Do you own a house if so Do you have something like a
> playground(Back Yard) where you can take the puppies to play on?
> If not then is there some where like a A Park Near Your Home
> Where You can take them On Short Walks?
> Do you have Any Pictures you can send to me so i can see they
> will be going to a loving home?
> Do you want to Breed them?
> How Soon Do you Want them?
> Are you a Christian?
> Where are you Located?
> I will be happy to get these details from you so that it can guard me in making a manual which the puppies can take along  which will guard you on  basics of taking care of them and also basics on feeding.I love my
> Puppies So much So i want them to go only to loving and approved
>  homes.There is a Fee!You will just have to pay for their transport fare
> which will cost $350.I will be waiting to get these Information from you
> and you  will assure me that you will take good care of the puppies for Me.
> I wait for your Reply And Have a Splendid Day.
> Thanks!
>
>
After reading this knock out email, I said to myself, “Self, I do believe this is a scam.  Let’s test my theory…”

And so I replied back with this:

 — On Wed, 6/2/10, Kelly K wrote:

From: Kelly K
Subject: Re: Chihuahua puppies
To: “Levi Nancy” <levinancy26@yahoo.com>
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010, 8:44 PM

Hi there,

Do you have kids?  Yes, 15 of them
> If so,are they good with pets? > Nope, they regularly request puppies so that they can twirl them around in the yard by their tail.

If Not then Do you have
>  some one that will always play with them?  Oh we don’t “play” with our puppies.
> Will you take both of them?  Both of what?  You mentioned there are three puppies…??  regardless I am only interested in one sacrificial ritual…er, I mean puppy.
> Have you ever raised (Owned) a puppy before?  Kinda… if watching Wild Kingdom counts?
> Do you Own Other Pets?.  Occasionally when the moment requires them.
> How is your Working Schedule?  Good.  I work 16 hour days.  Your puppy comes fully toilet trained right?
> Are you getting them For your Self or for Some one Else?  For my Wiccan sisters, er, I mean yes, for myself.
> Do you own a house if so Do you have something like a
> playground(Back Yard) where you can take the puppies to play on?  Yard?  Well, we have a balcony that we’re planning on tying the puppy to with a long rope, same thing right?.
> If not then is there some where like a A Park Near Your Home
> Where You can take them On Short Walks?  Oh, we don’t do “walks”.
> Do you have Any Pictures you can send to me so i can see they
> will be going to a loving home?  Depends, are you easily offended by gratuitous nudity?
> Do you want to Breed them?  Yes, we most certainly do.  In fact, with time we believe we’ll have created a genetic mutant strand of chihuahua, one that is capable of controlling humans with its mind.
> How Soon Do you Want them?  How about tomorrow?
> Are you a Christian?  Sorta, if by Christian you mean “Wiccan”
> Where are you Located?  The North Pole.  More importantly, where are YOU located?

I sent the email off and waited.  The next day I received this reply back: 

Hello,
     I am very glad to read from you it really shows how caring and interested you are in my puppy,i will  get the puppy  sent over to you,we do hope you will love him and will provide a loving home for him.You don’t know how you make me feel when I hear you promising me to give the puppy a loving and caring home and I know that he will be a good house pet and you will take very good care of him.He will be very happy with you and will make a good house pet,He loves to play,loves other pets and kids…
You see I really love my puppies  so much all I want for them right now is a lovely home that will show him the love he needs so due to the assurance that you have given me I have decided to give to you my puppy  because I know that you will take very good care of him.I am so happy because you are willing to give this puppy a loving,caring and friendly home and I also assure you that he will be the best puppy you will ever have as He is full of life and fun ok….I want him to leave as soon as possible because He Is always alone at home and it pricks my consciencewe work for the Catholic Christian Commity but presently we just moved to Foncha Street Cameroon to help the orphans living here,when coming, we came with this puppies so we discovered that the climate here is  not the best for them so we decided to find another loving home or Christian home for them. give me the following information below so that I can use it to Fill The flight/transit form of the puppy to your Location.
It would cost you $350 to get the puppy Transported over to you ok,that is all you will be paying ok.My family and I are very happy to find someone like you and not only as a carer but a Christian home too.Please do not send the puppy to a pet rescue or sell Him!! Do you promise me  that? please do take very good care of the puppy ..My Prayers is to have a wonder-full home for him all I will need from you right now in other to get the puppy sent to you is:
Full Name…………………………….??
House Address…………………………??
State/zip code………………………………??
Street Address………………………………????
Phone Number……………………………………??
Nearest Airport…………………………………….??
So I will need the information to fill the flight/transit form and get the puppy  Registered on the flight .I will send the puppy to you as soon as I get these Information  ok, it would be an 8-9 hours flight for the puppy to arrive your location..i will also be sending him along with all his toys,hand booklet,blanket and his Crate ok.So thank you and I will be looking forward to read from you soon.do get back to me with the information requested above.Thanks and waiting to read from you soon.
  Regards..

>
What in the who now?  *sigh*  Goodbye dreams of a small chihuahua. 

It’s not all lost though - to cheer myself up I filled out an application to be a foster mom for a small dog rescue organization in our area.  I figure I’m doing a better thing by fostering anyway and Dexter will still get a playmate around his size.  Two mini dogs to torment Hannah!  She’s gonna love me….     

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