The Diaries of a Fat Chick

See this cat?

Looks like just another orange cat right?  I know it looks that way but this cat is the most bad ass cat you’ll ever meet in your life.  Don’t believe me?  Little dude was brought into our clinic because he was hit in the head WITH A CAR. 

The person driving the car that smacked him in the head didn’t bother stopping but when the kind lady who saw the accident, stopped and took the time to bring him to our clinic he was in rough shape.  His jaw was broken, his teeth shattered and his tongue shredded.  He had massive internal bleeding and was bleeding from both ends.  The three vets stabilized him and considered the situation - do they try and save him or quietly end his life.  In the end, Dr. Mike chose to try and save his life.  Late Friday evening they did a two hour surgery where they removed his shattered teeth, lasered off half of his tongue and wired his jaw back together.

Saturday morning Dr. Kathy and I arrived at the clinic, me not knowing anything about the cat and Dr. Kathy expecting to find a dead cat.  Instead she found a very alive and very hungry cat.   One who was so perky and alert that I had to scruff and pin him, terrified I was going to injure him, while he squirmed and twisted beneath me as Dr. Kathy tried to take his temperature.  That was over a week ago and each day he’s getting better and better.  Despite his wired jaw and half a tongue he slurps down his food eagerly and he’s friendly and loving to each person who opens his kennel to pet him. 

No one has come forward to claim him and I imagine we’ll be looking for a new home for him soon.  So if anyone wants the baddest motherfucking cat in the universe, let me know… I’ll introduce you to him.

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Do you ever wonder why life can go along so swimmingly for quite a while and then BAM - just like that there’s a week that totally kicks you in the ass and then stands over you and laughs while you writhe in pain?

About halfway through last week I dropped to my knees and pleaded for mercy - the week just laughed uproariously and continued to fuck with me. 

It chuckled as it watched me struggle to finish lawn work in the smoking heat with it’s evil friend the weed wacker.  Why am I the only girl in the known universe who can’t work a fucking weed eater?  I’m smart, I’m mechanically inclined - I fix the damn photocopier at the office all the time for heaven’s sake.  Yet I am thwarted by a weed wacker.  It never works properly for me and eventually I’m going to cut off a finger trying to cut the damn lawn.

Every year around this time, when the heat levels rise to an ungodly temperature of 35 degrees celsius and stays there for a few weeks, I question my sanity for living in this city.  I’m not a beach person, I’m not a heat person, I don’t like to sit outside enjoying the “weather” and for living in one of the hottest places in Canada I’m the whitest chick I know.   I spent most of Sunday lying on the couch with a skull thumper of a heat headache and moaning loudly about the injustice of life.  Ben mostly ignored me which is what he normally does and it’s probably a good thing because I can guarantee the whining would only grow louder if it was given any type of attention.

Last night when I wandered into the house after a dismal weigh in at WW (only gained 4lbs…huh, could it be the barely eating anything all week and then when I actually did eat something it was ice cream!?!?), surveyed my messy kitchen and wondered exactly what the mystery smell was wafting from the far room I took comfort in knowing that it couldn’t get much worse.

Wrong again douchebag!  Not only did we have a dog recovering from surgery (more on that later…), as I began to clean cages I discovered a rabbit that wouldn’t eat and a rat bleeding profusely from his foot and a suspicious looking growth on his eye.

Two doses of Ovol and some running around in the kitchen and bunny was pretty much back to normal by evening’s end.  One thorough examination of rat, styptic powder applied to torn hind nail and one slightly frantic call to the home of the very kind and wise Dr. Katie and it wasn’t looking so good for Edgar the Rat.  I dosed him for the evening with some pain relief that I had at home and Ben dropped him off at the clinic for Dr. Kate to examine.

A little background about my Eddie boy - he’s the last of my ratties and well over two years old (ancient in rat years my friends) and was recently diagnosed with lung issues and a mass in his abdomen.  And did I mention the tumour growing in his armpit that we couldn’t remove because he wouldn’t survive the surgery?

Add in this mystery growth on his eye, his hair is falling out in tufts, the mass in his abdomen has grown tremendously and he’s really nothing more than skin and bones and you’ve got a rather obvious decision to make. 

It’s hard because with the ratties in the past I’ve always based whether it was time to say goodbye on their desire for food.  Last night Edgar ate a terrific amount of noodles and this morning spent some time licking and grooming my fingers.  While not in active pain he’s certainly very uncomfortable and rather then wait until he’s so painful he stops eating we’ve made the decision to say goodbye.

After work I’m dropping Ben off at the airport and then hustling back to the clinic where Edgar and Dr. Kate will be waiting for me.  I’ll hold Eddie and kiss his fur while he licks my fingers before he goes to sleep one last time.

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It was a special day here at the casa de Kelly on June 30th.  Yup, Dexter turned one. 

I had originally planned a big birthday party with hats and decorations and balloons and wrapped presents and a bone shaped cake with “Happy Birthday Dexter!” on it.  Then I gave my head a shake and realized that it was not living the frugal lifestyle to plan a party for a dog who would be happy with a belly rub and a cookie.

However, I did have to make it special somehow (it’s not every day the Mutant Chihuahua turns 1!) so I stopped at Bone Appetite after work and picked him up some birthday presents and birthday cookies:

The traveling water bottle is for when we’re at the dog park and the blue football is for throwing in the house.  Dexter loves to play fetch and the toy is soft and rubbery.  Although not expressly spoken, but certainly implied, Ben was getting tired of rubbing all the marks off the wall from when I hurled one of his other harder toys down the hallway.  I get points for distance but my aim is dismal.

The rubbery, bally, frisbee thing is also for the dog park.  Quite a few dogs at the dog park have this toy and Dexter loves it.  In fact it’s probably his number one toy to steal at the dog park.  So, I purchased one for his birthday and that very night took him to the dog park with it.  And what did my little cretin do?  Mostly ignored his new, beloved toy in favour of stealing another dog’s ratty, gross, disgustingly wet tennis ball.  I learned something that night - it’s not about the toy, it’s about the stealing.

You’ll also note the “two of each cookie” pile we have going on.  While not her birthday, Hannah certainly benefited from it being Dexter’s.  See the cookies in the middle?  They’re cheese cookies shaped like dogs.  The fact that there are cookies for dogs in the shape of dogs tickled my sick, black funny bone and I had to purchase them.   I avoided the cat shaped cookies though.  Although I have no doubt that both Ebony and Kaneyko would walk away victorious in a rumble with Hannah or Dexter I’m not so sure about my poor arthritic Smokey.  No point in giving the dogs the idea that they’re allowed to chew on cats now is there?  But chew on other dogs?  Hell yeah baby.

A picture of my baby all grown up:

He looks scarily like a weiner dog in this picture doesn’t he?  I assure you that while he is longer than the average chihuahua, this is merely a funky camera angle.

Although Ben and I have come to the conclusion that our wee Dexter, our shining star, is not all he professed to be.  Sure, he might have the ears and attitude of a Chihuahua but we’re pretty sure that a MinPin took a swim at some point in Dexter’s genetic family pool. 

Doubt me?  Listen up people, sexy Dexy was supposed to be no more than 6lbs at the most.  The little monster weighs in at a hefty 16lbs.  Okay, yeah - three pounds of that is fat and his ideal weight should be 13lbs but there’s still a helluva difference between 6lbs and 13lbs. 

Whatever, he’s still a pretty good dog and even if he does have this completely weird habit of sticking his head down my shirt to lick between my boobs, we think he’s a-okay.

More pictures of the birthday boy?  Why certainly!

Waiting so patiently for his birthday cookies.

Mmm…dog shaped birthday cookies!

And lastly, an incredibly boring video of Dexter eating a birthday cookie while I ask him over and over again if it’s a good cookie - apparently believing he will, at some point, put down his cookie and answer me.  I said I thought he would speak with a jaunty British accent, then Ben said I was wrong and he would have a Mexican accent, then I told Ben that was racial profiling, then he smacked me on the ass and told me to get him a beer, then I fell on the couch and laughed hysterically for about 10 minutes because whenever Ben tries to act all neanderthal-ish it gives me the giggles.  By the time I finished laughing he was sitting beside me on the couch sipping thoughtfully on the beer he went and got himself.

A-hem.  Dexter the Beloved on this, the day of his birth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iI8H9AaVwWE

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I’m not sure if I mentioned this but I made the decision to go back to Weight  Watchers last Monday.  Ben and I had been doing the weight loss thing on our own for the last few months but not a whole lot was happening on the weight loss front.  Plus, I kind of missed being judged when I weighed in (I kid!  I kid!) and I definitely missed the meetings.   The last time I signed up for WW there was a new leader named Pat who I really enjoyed and luckily it’s still her leading the meetings on Monday nights. 

Last night Ben and I had a family dinner with his half-sister who he hadn’t seen in about 20 years so I didn’t have time to stay for the meeting.  I quickly ran in to get weighed feeling, I don’t mind saying, a little apprehensive about it.  Ben and I had a Blizzard treat at Dairy Queen earlier in the week and I hadn’t drank much water over the weekend.  I took off my shoes, prayed to the god of weight loss and held my breath. 

Surprisingly (shockingly?) I lost a whopping 7.4lbs.  Yay me!  I got my first 5lb star, did my happy dance and then took off for home in order to pick up Ben for the family dinner.

The family dinner was very nice, I had never met his sister or her husband and they were both very lovely people.  As were the various other people we met at the house (other siblings, grandchildren etc.).  His sister put on a delicious dinner; unfortunately in my new quest to be a vegetarian I hadn’t really thought or prepared myself for what I would do when going to someone else’s house for dinner.  Therefore I found myself taking a very small piece of chicken in order to be polite.  But I mean seriously small, like it would fit in the palm of a baby’s hand small.  Still, it was meat (and sadly, delicious meat!) so I can’t say that I will have gone an entire month without eating meat but hey, 29 days out of 30 ain’t bad.

In other news, Dexter the Mutant Chihuahua has been blessing us with a case of doggy diarrhea.  On Friday I worked at the vet and we had at least 4 dogs in with vomiting and diarrhea.  Sunday morning I woke up to discover a rather disgusting mess in Dexter’s crate waiting for me.  Not sure if I brought something home to the poor mutt or if he’s just like half of the other dogs in the city right now with a bad case of the puppy poops but the last couple of days have been….unpleasant.  We denied him food for a day and are just starting to give him some gastro food, small feedings frequently throughout the day.  If it hasn’t improved by tomorrow then we (Ben) will scrape up a poop sample and take it to the vet clinic for analysis.  It pays to work at the vet; not only do you get a discount on procedures but if you’re smart enough you pick up tips and tricks to try before even having to bring your dog in for an exam.  If it’s just mild gastrointestinal upset (which I suspect it is based on his behaviour and general upbeat attitude towards life) then this will do the trick and he’ll be back to his normal pooping self in no time.

I know how riveting the texture and density of my mutant chihuahua’s poop is to all of you and as such will be keeping you informed as to his current poop status.

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You know the old saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is?”  I had a lesson in how true that is this past week. 

So, y’all know how much I wanted a little dog and I begged and pleaded my dearest to get me a 5lb chihuahua and I would hug him and squeeze him and call him George (the chihuahua, not the dearest)?  And thankfully my beloved gave in to my pleading and purchased an adorable, tiny little chihuahua for our 5 year anniversary.  Remember?

And then the tiny little chihuahua who would grow to be 5lbs max, just kept growing and growing?  And how, now, at 11 months old the damn bastard is a mutant chihuahua at 14 and a half pounds and still growing?

Remember?

Well, in one of our local papers there was an advertisement for some tiny little chihuahua’s, ones that would get no bigger than 5lbs…and they were sweet!  And only $350…which frankly, is a steal of a deal.  I emailed my precious one about it, he told me to go ahead and get two, they were small (although I believe he may have been playing the facetious game).  So, throwing frugality and the simple life to the wind, I sent off an email basically asking for more information and pictures of the puppies.  5 minutes later I received this:

—– Original Message —–
From: Levi Nancy <levinancy26@yahoo.com>
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010 1:09 pm
Subject: Chihuahua puppies
To: Kelly
>
> Hello,
>         
> Thanks for the e-mail..My Chihuahua Puppies are still available.They
> Male Puppy is Called Jerry and the Female Puppies are Called
> Rosa and
> Jeni.Below are Some pictures of the puppies ..They are health
> registered and current on all shots and vaccines,well trained,
> Registered,House broken,potty trained and love the companion of
> grown ups,kids and house hold pets.Well,They are  Spectacular pure
>  breed CKC registered with all shots,vaccines
> and vet records updated.i am looking for
> reasonable,knowledgeable and
> cautious person who can offer them tenderness,nursery with
> lots of love kisses and hugs.CKC REG.Excellent pedigrees, Champion
> lines. Health certificate,1 yr. guarantee, & UTD on shots &
> worming.Theyare  very loving pet especially with kids.They are
> up for adoption to
> any homes promising to take good care of them.They Male(Jerry)
> is 12 Weeks old and the Females(Rosa and Jeni) are 11weeks old.I am
> looking for any lovely home that can take them and give them enough
> care and attention which they need,i will really love that you promise
> me that you are going to take good care of them for me,so in
> guiding me look for a lovely home for Jerry, Jevi and Rosa,i
> will like to know the following from you:
> Do you have kids?
> If so,are they good with pets?
> If Not then Do you have
>  some one that will always play with them?
> Will you take both of them?
> Have you ever raised (Owned) a puppy before?
> Do you Own Other Pets?
> How is your Working Schedule?
> Are you getting them For your Self or for Some one Else?
> Do you own a house if so Do you have something like a
> playground(Back Yard) where you can take the puppies to play on?
> If not then is there some where like a A Park Near Your Home
> Where You can take them On Short Walks?
> Do you have Any Pictures you can send to me so i can see they
> will be going to a loving home?
> Do you want to Breed them?
> How Soon Do you Want them?
> Are you a Christian?
> Where are you Located?
> I will be happy to get these details from you so that it can guard me in making a manual which the puppies can take along  which will guard you on  basics of taking care of them and also basics on feeding.I love my
> Puppies So much So i want them to go only to loving and approved
>  homes.There is a Fee!You will just have to pay for their transport fare
> which will cost $350.I will be waiting to get these Information from you
> and you  will assure me that you will take good care of the puppies for Me.
> I wait for your Reply And Have a Splendid Day.
> Thanks!
>
>
After reading this knock out email, I said to myself, “Self, I do believe this is a scam.  Let’s test my theory…”

And so I replied back with this:

 — On Wed, 6/2/10, Kelly K wrote:

From: Kelly K
Subject: Re: Chihuahua puppies
To: “Levi Nancy” <levinancy26@yahoo.com>
Date: Wednesday, June 2, 2010, 8:44 PM

Hi there,

Do you have kids?  Yes, 15 of them
> If so,are they good with pets? > Nope, they regularly request puppies so that they can twirl them around in the yard by their tail.

If Not then Do you have
>  some one that will always play with them?  Oh we don’t “play” with our puppies.
> Will you take both of them?  Both of what?  You mentioned there are three puppies…??  regardless I am only interested in one sacrificial ritual…er, I mean puppy.
> Have you ever raised (Owned) a puppy before?  Kinda… if watching Wild Kingdom counts?
> Do you Own Other Pets?.  Occasionally when the moment requires them.
> How is your Working Schedule?  Good.  I work 16 hour days.  Your puppy comes fully toilet trained right?
> Are you getting them For your Self or for Some one Else?  For my Wiccan sisters, er, I mean yes, for myself.
> Do you own a house if so Do you have something like a
> playground(Back Yard) where you can take the puppies to play on?  Yard?  Well, we have a balcony that we’re planning on tying the puppy to with a long rope, same thing right?.
> If not then is there some where like a A Park Near Your Home
> Where You can take them On Short Walks?  Oh, we don’t do “walks”.
> Do you have Any Pictures you can send to me so i can see they
> will be going to a loving home?  Depends, are you easily offended by gratuitous nudity?
> Do you want to Breed them?  Yes, we most certainly do.  In fact, with time we believe we’ll have created a genetic mutant strand of chihuahua, one that is capable of controlling humans with its mind.
> How Soon Do you Want them?  How about tomorrow?
> Are you a Christian?  Sorta, if by Christian you mean “Wiccan”
> Where are you Located?  The North Pole.  More importantly, where are YOU located?

I sent the email off and waited.  The next day I received this reply back: 

Hello,
     I am very glad to read from you it really shows how caring and interested you are in my puppy,i will  get the puppy  sent over to you,we do hope you will love him and will provide a loving home for him.You don’t know how you make me feel when I hear you promising me to give the puppy a loving and caring home and I know that he will be a good house pet and you will take very good care of him.He will be very happy with you and will make a good house pet,He loves to play,loves other pets and kids…
You see I really love my puppies  so much all I want for them right now is a lovely home that will show him the love he needs so due to the assurance that you have given me I have decided to give to you my puppy  because I know that you will take very good care of him.I am so happy because you are willing to give this puppy a loving,caring and friendly home and I also assure you that he will be the best puppy you will ever have as He is full of life and fun ok….I want him to leave as soon as possible because He Is always alone at home and it pricks my consciencewe work for the Catholic Christian Commity but presently we just moved to Foncha Street Cameroon to help the orphans living here,when coming, we came with this puppies so we discovered that the climate here is  not the best for them so we decided to find another loving home or Christian home for them. give me the following information below so that I can use it to Fill The flight/transit form of the puppy to your Location.
It would cost you $350 to get the puppy Transported over to you ok,that is all you will be paying ok.My family and I are very happy to find someone like you and not only as a carer but a Christian home too.Please do not send the puppy to a pet rescue or sell Him!! Do you promise me  that? please do take very good care of the puppy ..My Prayers is to have a wonder-full home for him all I will need from you right now in other to get the puppy sent to you is:
Full Name…………………………….??
House Address…………………………??
State/zip code………………………………??
Street Address………………………………????
Phone Number……………………………………??
Nearest Airport…………………………………….??
So I will need the information to fill the flight/transit form and get the puppy  Registered on the flight .I will send the puppy to you as soon as I get these Information  ok, it would be an 8-9 hours flight for the puppy to arrive your location..i will also be sending him along with all his toys,hand booklet,blanket and his Crate ok.So thank you and I will be looking forward to read from you soon.do get back to me with the information requested above.Thanks and waiting to read from you soon.
  Regards..

>
What in the who now?  *sigh*  Goodbye dreams of a small chihuahua. 

It’s not all lost though - to cheer myself up I filled out an application to be a foster mom for a small dog rescue organization in our area.  I figure I’m doing a better thing by fostering anyway and Dexter will still get a playmate around his size.  Two mini dogs to torment Hannah!  She’s gonna love me….     

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(Yes, my dogs hate me…)

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Nearly every weekend we take Dexter to the dog park (and now that it’s lighter longer in the evenings, we often take him during the week as well) and let him run around like a maniac and play with the other dogs.  Dexter loves the dog park and truth be told, so do I.   I love watching Dexter run full speed and it’s so interesting to see all of the different dogs.  And eventually you get to know certain people and dogs who are there a lot.

On Friday Ben and I took Dexter to the dog park and Ben brought his camera. 

Dexter - running full tilt. 

Playing with London the bassett hound:

One problem with Dexter is that he’s a horrible ball/toy thief.  Any ball or toy that another dog is playing with, Dexter waits like a hawk for the dog to be distracted and then swoops in and steals it.  And then the chase is on.  Here’s a golden retriever with his toy:

And Dexter after he stole it:

We bought a cheap little frisbee at the pet store on Thursday and brought it with us. 

Dexter got a taste of his own medicince when Deacon the Doberman stole his frisbee and wouldn’t give it back:

A couple of regulars at the dog park - Teko and Junior, the Great Danes:

Teko:

Junior with the frisbee and Dexter and Trigger the boxer puppy:

Teko and Dexter waiting for treats:

Dexter chasing Junior away from his frisbee:

And one of our favourites, Stella.  She was the baby lab in Dexter’s puppy class that used to bat him around the floor; she’s all grown up now and a total sweetheart.

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Before I get to the graduation part, indulge me if you will…

Explain how Exhibit A

Not only managed to swallow “Exhibit B” (do you like how I used a fork for size comparison?)

But also managed to vomit it back up the next day?

It started innocently enough with Ben catching Dexter trying to swallow something after playing with his small rope bone.  By the time he had gotten to him Dexter had swallowed it down and toodled off to get a drink of water, coughing slightly.  The next evening we came home from work to find Exhibit B in Dexter’s crate with him.  And the little bastard almost managed to swallow it again; as Ben was reaching for the large bundle of saliva and rope Dexter snatched it from his grip and ran across the room with it.  Luckily Ben managed to get it away from him before he could gulp it down yet again.

I can’t even begin to tell you how freaking lucky we are that he did vomit it up.  Visions of me frantically calling Dr. Mike for emergency surgery on Dexter floated through my head when I saw the size of the damn piece of rope.   Although Dexter is rapidly growing large enough to be considered a “mutant chihuahua” (he’s already well past the 5lbs he was supposed to stop at), his trachea is still only about the size of my finger.  Again, I ask you - how the fuck did he swallow that thing? 

In conclusion?  Dexter?  Is a shit head.

But, he is a shit head that actually graduated from puppy kindergarten.  Behold the proof!

It’s in writing; that means it’s legit you know.  I’d like to say it was all me but I must confess that I sent Dexter on a mini puppy boot camp with The Pet Nanny.  He spent a few days with the Pet Nanny and her husband and it made a world of difference.  All hail the Pet Nanny!  Celina is an all around wonderful human being and we must accept the insignificance of our puny existence when in her presence. 

Yay Dexter for graduating!!!

Yay for the Pet Nanny!!!

On a completely unrelated note; blogging will be light over the next month or so.  Kelly’s started working 12 hour days (love the 6 to 6 shift!) and weekends and will continue to do so until the middle of next month when that wonderful little thing we like to call an “audit” is over.

Yay for Auditing and 12 hour work days!!!

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We’ve had Dexter with us now for nearly six weeks.  The first couple of weeks Hannah ignored him; she wouldn’t look at him, she walked away whenever he came near her and just generally did her best to pretend he didn’t exist.

But eventually she started to find him a little fascinating and would allow him to sit or sleep near her.

And a week or so after that, she allowed him to sit a little closer still…

Not for long, but still it was progress:

It wasn’t going fast enough for Dexter however so in a desperate bid for acceptance, he mimicked her ear placement:

That must have done the trick because before you could say “Bob’s your uncle”, she was playing with him.  Unfortunately she tried playing with him the way she tried playing with Cuda.  The first few days or so Dexter spent a lot of his time cartwheeling across the living room floor as Hannah smacked at him with her paws.  He didn’t give up however and this past weekend they finally figured out how to play together.

Sure, it’s a lot like watching a chipmunk attack a bear but hey, they’re playing!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWD2nxnXX2I

What I love is how gentle Hannah is with him.   She played so roughly with Cuda and is such an odd dog when it comes to other dogs that the most I ever hoped for is that her and Dexter would live together without active hostility.   It’s not just watching her adapting her play style to suit his size but it’s how she so carefully nibbles on him and allows him to climb all over her head.   When she’s had enough she lets him know with growling and teeth baring and Dexter is smart enough to know when to leave her alone.  But since this weekend, she spends at least 20 minutes every day playing with him. 

It’s enough to warm even my cold, black heart.

And just for fun - here’s Dexter shortly after we got him, relaxing on a pillow.

And here he is now. 

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Way back in the fall of 1996 Ben bought a columbian boa and named him Seth.  13 years later Seth is over 6 and a half feet long and is a pretty cool guy.  Always mellow and willing to come out of his enclosure to hang out with us.  Over the last few weeks he’s become rather hissy which is extremely unusual for him and allowed me, for the first time, to actually see the size of his teeth.

Columbian boa’s are constrictors but that doesn’t mean they don’t have teeth.  Or that said teeth aren’t incredibly long and wickedly sharp.   I’ve never been concerned about holding Seth; although I make sure that Ben is always in the room when I hold him.  I have no wish to die because a pet snake has wrapped around my neck.  I mean, you know that shit will end up on the evening news and they’ll have a video of our trailer and an extremely unflattering picture of my fat ass that makes me look so much like a trailer trash mama that no one will even question how I could possibly have been killed by a pet snake.

Where was I?  Right…snake, big teeth.  Sorry.  So ever since I’ve seen Seth’s horrifically large teeth I’ve been even more respectful of his personal space when he’s wrapped around my waist.  Luckily, he only seems to be hissy and grumpy when we’re trying to take him out of his enclosure, the hissiness and bad attitude doesn’t seem to extend to when we’re holding him.

Just before school started, Ben and I went to his classroom to clean Seth’s enclosure.  He was hissy and grumpy but we chalked it up to the fact that his lights had burnt out in his enclosure so he was cold.   However, while I was holding him I noticed a large lump and a smaller lump next to it on his back.  We booked him a vet appointment with our reptile vet, Dr. Rae, for last night.  After work, I stopped at the school, helped Ben take Seth out of his enclosure.

Me:  Honey, how are we going to get him to the vet?

Ben:  We’ll use this pillow case.

Me:  Pillow case?  He’s six and a half feet long; how the hell are you going to get him in the pillow case?

Ben:  Easy.  We’ll just stuff him in.

Me:  Correction.  You’ll stuff him in while I watch from a safe distance.

Anyhoodlehaw, we put Seth into his pillow case (it was surprisingly easy), closed his enclosure, shut Ben’s classroom and took him to the vet.  Dr. Rae did a needle aspirate of the biggest lump and the smaller lump and in the course of his exam found about seven other small lumps all along his back.  The needle aspirate really didn’t show anything and it’s nearly impossible to diagnose illness’ in snakes so we’re treating it like an infection.  Every third day, we have to inject a thawed dead mouse with antibiotics and feed the mouse to Seth.  Hopefully it’ll help, our only other option would be to sedate him and biopsy the lumps and reptiles are notoriously difficult to sedate.

After the vet visit, we stuffed Seth back into his pillow case, I washed my hands, and we started the drive back to the school.  We were halfway there when Ben’s cell phone rang; because he hadn’t washed his hands after handling Seth, I answered it.

Me:  Hello

Strange Woman:  Is Ben there?

Me:  He can’t come to the phone right now, can I take a message

Strange Woman:  Um, well is he actually there because there is an emergency.

Me:  As I said he can’t come to the phone.  I’m his wife, can I -

Strange Woman:  This is ******* (name withheld to protect the stupid) at the school.  His snake has gone missing.

Me:  Oh, we have him.  We just took him to the vet.

Co-worker:  Oh!  The janitor just came and told me that Ben’s snake was missing and that it was huge and we had a serious problem.

Me:  Nope, no problems.  We’re just bringing him back from the vet now.

Co-worker:  How on earth do you get a snake to the vet?

Me:  In a pillow case.

Co-worker:  A pillow case!  Well I would never have thought of that.

Me:  It works pretty well.

Co-worker:  *laughing shrilly*  Okay then.  Hey, I didn’t even know that Ben had a snake.

Me:  You’ve worked there over a year and never been to Ben’s classroom?

Co-worker:  I guess not.

Me:  Well, you’ll have to drop by his classroom and see Seth in his enclosure sometime.

Co-worker:  Oh well, I don’t think so.  See, I have a problem with wild bred pets being kept in cages.  I don’t think it’s right, in fact I think it’s cruel and -

Me:  Seth isn’t wild bred.  He was born in captivity; if we let him free in the “wild” he would die.

Co-worker:  Oh I’m even bothered by birds in cages, it’s just so cruel and they’re so sad and you know they aren’t happy and -

Me: *hangs up*

Me:  I hate stupid people.

Ben:  I know dear.

When we arrived at the school, Ben carrying Seth in his pillow case, said stupid co-worker, came flying into the foyer.

Co-worker:  *laughing shrilly* Oh wow, look at him in his pillow case.  He’s obviously not that big.

Ben:  Well, he’s six and a half feet long and his body is about as thick as my arm.

Co-worker:  Oh, he just doesn’t seem that big to me.

Me:  He is.

Because we were in a hurry (we had to get Dexter to his second puppy kindergarten class), we quickly got away from her and headed to his classroom.

Me:  Honey, I really, really hate stupid people.

Ben:  I know dear.

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