The Diaries of a Fat Chick

When I was a kid my favourite show, without a doubt, was MacGyver.  MacGyver, played by the oh so handsome and affable Richard Dean Anderson, was, well he was this guy who worked for this other guy (named Dana) and he, well did stuff and helped people out of bad situations by using nothing more than a pen, an old elastic band and his intelligence (or variations of said items).  He was the coolest motherfucker on the planet and I knew I was going to marry him.  I mean, who wouldn’t want to marry MacGyver? 

A few years ago the mumsi entity collected the entire MacGyver series (Seasons 1 to 7) and gave them to me for various Christmas and birthday gifts.  I used to force Ben to watch the episodes with me but after so many “That’s so fake!” and “There’s no way that would work!” and “What the hell is with that mullet?” comments I couldn’t take it any longer and banned him from watching them with me.  No one likes to see their childhood hero/future husband mocked.

Here is my purse:

Here are the contents of my purse:

(minus the random loose receipts and other bits of trash I seem to collect)

I carry all of this crap around with me not because I’m unorganized and messy but because some day I may get trapped with MacGyver in an elevator that is armed with a bomb (obviously) and nothing will save us but MacGyver’s wit and the contents of my purse.

Can you imagine what kind of contraption MacGyver would be able to build with the stuff out of my purse?  I’ve got like five pens, two syringes (don’t ask, I work at a vet clinic okay?  And we have a sick snake that needs to be injected with antibiotics and you know what?  I don’t have to explain myself to you people.)

Using the splash stick from Starbucks as a stirring utensil, he’d create a viscuous liquid using the advil, visine, inhaler, perfume sample and battery (heating it with the matches) that would begin to eat through the elevator doors.  As this was working it’s way through the elevator door he’s use my hair bands, keys, multiple lip balms, the three random hoop earrings and the rubber finger to defuse the bomb.

And, once we were free, I’d use my Walmart gift certificate to buy him a new shirt.  What?  Obviously creating this type of contraption would be messy and there would be a need to remove his dirty shirt while we were trapped in this elevator.

MacGyver?  It’s a lot of work carrying all this crap around but I do it for us baby, I do it for us.  Call me.

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Curious discoveries from starting work at 6 in the morning and finishing at 6 in the evening:

• Working 12 hour days makes you really, really tired
• there is much less traffic at 5:30 in the morning and 6 in the evening
• the best way to avoid falling asleep while driving to work is to roll your window down and sing show tunes really loudly
• when the alarm clock in the bedroom is accidentally set 15 minutes ahead, Kelly immediately becomes irrationally angry (and possibly a little weepy) when she gets in the car, sees the actual time, and realizes she lost out on 15 minutes of sleep
• Starbucks opens at 5:30
• Said Starbucks will open at 5:22 when they see you looking pathetically through the window of their locked door
• A mutant chihuahua, who shall go unnamed, although perfectly well behaved for your husband, will act out when you finally do get home because he hasn’t seen you in over 13 hours
• Your ass hurts from sitting so long in an office chair
• Co-workers taunt you about living in your cubicle
• Your husband begins to look only vaguely familiar
• Your house becomes dismayingly messy
• You wear mismatched socks because you’re behind on laundry
• And the realization that you have to work weekends as well makes you sob brokenly.

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Before I get to the graduation part, indulge me if you will…

Explain how Exhibit A

Not only managed to swallow “Exhibit B” (do you like how I used a fork for size comparison?)

But also managed to vomit it back up the next day?

It started innocently enough with Ben catching Dexter trying to swallow something after playing with his small rope bone.  By the time he had gotten to him Dexter had swallowed it down and toodled off to get a drink of water, coughing slightly.  The next evening we came home from work to find Exhibit B in Dexter’s crate with him.  And the little bastard almost managed to swallow it again; as Ben was reaching for the large bundle of saliva and rope Dexter snatched it from his grip and ran across the room with it.  Luckily Ben managed to get it away from him before he could gulp it down yet again.

I can’t even begin to tell you how freaking lucky we are that he did vomit it up.  Visions of me frantically calling Dr. Mike for emergency surgery on Dexter floated through my head when I saw the size of the damn piece of rope.   Although Dexter is rapidly growing large enough to be considered a “mutant chihuahua” (he’s already well past the 5lbs he was supposed to stop at), his trachea is still only about the size of my finger.  Again, I ask you - how the fuck did he swallow that thing? 

In conclusion?  Dexter?  Is a shit head.

But, he is a shit head that actually graduated from puppy kindergarten.  Behold the proof!

It’s in writing; that means it’s legit you know.  I’d like to say it was all me but I must confess that I sent Dexter on a mini puppy boot camp with The Pet Nanny.  He spent a few days with the Pet Nanny and her husband and it made a world of difference.  All hail the Pet Nanny!  Celina is an all around wonderful human being and we must accept the insignificance of our puny existence when in her presence. 

Yay Dexter for graduating!!!

Yay for the Pet Nanny!!!

On a completely unrelated note; blogging will be light over the next month or so.  Kelly’s started working 12 hour days (love the 6 to 6 shift!) and weekends and will continue to do so until the middle of next month when that wonderful little thing we like to call an “audit” is over.

Yay for Auditing and 12 hour work days!!!

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