The Diaries of a Fat Chick

It’s no secret that I’m not, how can I put this delicately?  A big fan of children.

At about the age of 20 I made the decision to be a non-breeder.  I didn’t share that little tidbit of information around much because I always got the “You’re young, you’ll change your mind” speech that made me want to rip the eyeballs out of the person who was so smugly assuring me that sooner or later I would be popping out a kid from between my thighs while two doctors and eight interns all watched my hoochie koochie stretch to impossible widths.

Because believe me, any kid I delivered would have a noggin the size of a watermelon.  Did you know that my head is 27 inches around?  That’s the size of a super model’s waist… no wonder I can’t find a fucking hat to fit me.   Ben has a lovely small head, but the kid would inherit my super sized head and after giving birth to it I’d never walk properly again.

Truth be told, I sort of like babies and small toddlers (despite the smell and the drooling) but I wouldn’t want them around 24/7.   But once they’re past the age of five or so I have zero use for them.  I don’t find them charming or funny or interesting to be around.  Unless they’re doing useful things like washing my dishes, getting the tv remote or bringing me a beer I don’t find them that handy in the least.

Also?  They are a lot of work.  This past weekend I spent about six hours babysitting a friend’s three children, all under the age of 6.  It was unbelievably difficult; all the demands and requests to “watch me do this Kelly, watch me!  You’re not watching me! Are you watching me?” not to mention the baby that needed feeding and burping and diaper changing.  It only confirmed that I made the right decision.

 A puppy is difficult; but a baby?  A baby is like being hit with a nuclear bomb.  And there’s no escaping them - they’re around all the time and it’s not like you can just give them away once they start to really annoy you.  And it’s not just an 18 year commitment - I was 27 years old and still bumming money from my mum for fuck’s sake.  

I stumbled upon this little article (it was being passed around Facebook) and because I have a sick sense of humour, I laughed for at least 5 minutes straight.  This has to be the most useful article ever created.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - “How to Win a Fight Against 20 Children”

http://www.cracked.com/blog/how-to-win-a-fight-against-twenty-children/

Read this article.  It’ll save your life someday.